i will rise, because the weak are made strong.

There's so much I need to say. So many people I need to thank. ...

This week was finals week for me. It was laid out kinda like this... Wednesday: Medical Surgical, Thursday: Behavioral Health, Friday: Pharmacology. I'm surprised I didn't just go insane. Seriously...the stress! But, as completely terrified as I was, I jumped in and prepared to conquer and kept my nose in a nursing book for a week straight.

But let me take a step back...

This semester. Gosh. It's been the hardest semester of my college career. By far. There were many tears shed. Many desperate prayers made. Many times I really didn't think I was going to make it through with passing grades. It was really rough.

Some of the roughness, I will admit, was my own fault. I didn't put in enough effort in the beginning of the semester and kind of dug myself into a hole. Some of the roughness came from my teachers. Some of the roughness came from life in general...sickness, family situations, etc. 

But MY GOD! My God is pretty amazing.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

My hardest class this semester was Med Surg. I am not proud to admit, but I failed many a test in that class. I was back and forth from failing to passing to failing again. Honestly, mostly failing. (By the way, in nursing school you have to make a 78% to pass. Anything below is failing. A 77.9999 is failing.) I went into my 75 point final with a 78%. No wiggle room there. And I was so so nervous. Like, I think I might have to puke kind of nervous.

I passed that test with an 86%.

I came out of the testing room and was just so happy! I hugged the first person I saw. (Thank you Tamara for that hug.) And I raced across the parking lot so I could call my mom and dad (my biggest cheerleaders). I passed!

Thursday I had Behavioral Health and then Friday (today) Pharmacology. I passed them both. And I am a free lady! And in the fall I will be a third semester nursing student! Who knew!

I'll tell ya who... God knew. He knew all along.

He knew that this semester I needed to learn a few lessons...possibly the hard way. He knew that I was where I was supposed to be, even if I didn't know it. He knew that I could do it, even if I didn't think I could.

I came home from my last final today and ate lunch with my mom and just started crying. I remembered where I came from months ago with my grades to where I ended up and it's just overwhelming and it blows me away.

So...thank you's. I've got quite a few. You know, you really cannot do nursing school alone. You can't. It's impossible. These amazing people have surrounded me and supported me and I love them.

Thank you to my parents first of all. They have hugged me when I cried. They've lectured me when I needed it. They've prayed for me constantly. Loved me unconditionally. Thank you.

To my sister and best friend, Annie. I love that beautiful girl! She gave me pep talks. She quizzed me numerous nights, even though she was so tired and ready to go to bed. She bought me flowers on a rough day.

To my best friends, Bethany and Emily. Thank you for all the encouraging texts. Thank you for the prayers. Thank you for the hugs (even the ones given from miles away). I love you both dearly.

To my coworkers who cheered me on, Cyndi, Kayla, and Irina. My weekend buddies.

To my amazing, hardworking, smart, and funny classmates. Cordie, Robin, Haley, and so many many more. You all are going to make awesome nurses.

To my YouTube tutor, Michael Linares. You don't even know me, but your videos helped me incredibly! (If you are a nursing student you must look this guy up! So helpful!)

To Kathy, who took over my responsibilities at church with our small group for several weeks so I could stay home and study.

To my freshman girls who I have in small group. Thank you for praying for me and hugging me. You all are amazing girls and I love you.

To Tim and Miranda, my boss and supervisor at work. Thank you for giving me a month's leave of absence so I could focus completely on school.

Before and after all three of my finals I played Hillsong in my car. And I just worshipped. Because no matter what happened, God is good.

No power can stand against You. No curse assault Your throne. No one can steal Your glory. For it is Yours alone. I stand to sing Your praises. I stand to testify. For I was dead in my sin. But now I rise. I will rise, as Christ was raised to life. Now in Him, now in Him, I live.

-I Will Rise

Christ alone, Cornerstone. Weak made strong, in the Savior's love. Through the storm, He is Lord. Lord of all.

-Cornerstone

So...one year of nursing school down, one to go! I'm ready.

ecstatic jabbering and random thoughts

so, hello guys.
warning...i have been awake since 4am (early clinicals) and i have just downed a grande cinnamon dolce latte from starbucks. so...kinda sleep deprived and kinda hyper! yay! ;)

i have come to a new mindset today. that is what this semester of school has been...new mindsets. like everyday. haha!
but anyway, new mindset. i was talking with a classmate and my clinical instructor today about the anxieties and stresses of school and how completely overwhelming it is just thinking about it. like, if i fail out this semester of nursing school or have to withdraw a few things would happen...
#1. if i fail it would lower my GPA quite a lot. to the point where if i wanted to reapply i possibly couldn't get back into the nursing program because i wouldn't have a high enough GPA.
#2. if i withdraw or fail it would affect my financial aid. i probably wouldn't be eligible for aid anymore.
#3. if i withdraw or fail i would need to reapply. and they only take so many people back per semester (like two or three-ish). no guarantee on getting back in.
#4. if i withdraw of fail i would graduate late.

and that is my list of woes.
so today my clinical instructor said that if you go into a test with all of that^ anxiety on your shoulders and that much stress to pass then you will mess up...it's kind of inevitable.
yay...
so my new perspective on nursing school:
if i fail/withdraw the world will still be turning. my life will not be over. i can always reapply to my school's program. but there are also many more schools out there who have great nursing programs. many many options.
so from now on i will be going into tests with this new mindset. no more freaking myself out and having test anxiety about passing. no more thinking about having to graduate late. it will happen and in God's timing. and it's okay to have a plan b.
(p.s. this is not why i'm ecstatic...though i'm pretty peaceful about this decision.)

and then today! today i was prepared for a super super long day. like i said, i've been up since 4 this morning for clinicals, which ended at 12:30ish. then i had tutoring for pharmacology (test tomorrow!) from 2-3:15. and then studying tonight. hence the coffee...must stay awake!
my pharm class has been online this semester. which, in so many words, has been kinda stinky. but today started a new tutoring session with our teacher and it went so awesome! like, i came out of there just so happy and hopeful that i could pass the test tomorrow.
(this is why i'm ecstatic, by the way)
granted, the hard parts of this semester are not over (finals week = 3 finals Wed. - Fri. ....dreading!) but i have a bit of hope now.
so. that is all of my jabbering gibberish.
thanks. :)

i'm ready to DO

{okay so third consecutive blog post in one day... actually gonna use today's date this time. haha!}

Nursing school is hard.
Really hard.
And I wasn't prepared maybe...
1st semester was great.
I kinda loved it, in fact.
2nd semester.
Well... It's hard.

So here are my thoughts on life after the difficulties of failing tests and scraping by with C's and still working part-time and trying to maintain some type of life...

4/3/14

Hello God,
  I feel like I've just awakened. Just now opened my eyes. Not my physical eyes; my soul eyes. And I'm ashamed it's taken me this long to really SEE. But it's time to move on from all things in the past. All bad habits and laziness and procrastination and selfishness. Because laziness is a sin! And if I don't DO something I am selfishly throwing away the best opportunity for success you've ever given me. I'm ready to DO. I'm ready to be a DOER! Help me when I fail though. Which is, unfortunately, often. Give me wisdom and strength. Help me stay awake when I need to pull an all-nighter to study, because I like sleep a little too much. Help me stay focused and undistracted, because I like books a little too much, and netflix is a pit of darkness that is hard to crawl out of.
  You know my weaknesses (all too well, I'm sure). And now I recognize them fully...or, rather, more than I did a few weeks ago. So I'm ready to take your all powerful, steady arm and move forward without looking back.
  Sure, I'll make mistakes again. Probably several before the day is over. But I am going to FIGHT. I'm going to fight the sin inside my flesh. Because things have to be different. Starting now.

Love you,
Katie

My beautiful friend, Bethany, sent me this devotion the same day I wrote that^ in my prayer journal.

"Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him." Luke 8:25, NIV
  Is there something you are facing - whether in your outer circumstances or in your inner character that seems impossible to command? Something that has baffled you and outwitted you a thousand times, and appears that it will win over you in the end?
  Don't despair. Don't shrug and give up.
  Our Lord - your Lord and mine - can command even the most difficult, unruly thing that seems as if it will never be commanded.
  Let His word "even" be comfort to you. He who commands even the winds and water (and they must obey Him) - He can say to that "even" of yours, "Peace, be still."
  And there will come for you "a great calm" (Mark 4:39).
  Remember that there is nothing you are asked to do in your own strength. Not the least thing, nor the greatest.
  Isn't that amazing?
  How utterly foolish it is to plead weakness when we - even you and I - may move into the stream of that power. If only we will.
--Even This... by Amy Carmichael

So, onward I go. Onward I fight. This hard thing called nursing school...I can do it, with God at my side!

worn

hello God,

stress.

help me conquer it.

because i feel like it's in every part of my life right now.

every time i turn around.

help me trust in my amazing, awesome, more than capable God 

instead of letting stress overwhelm me.

you give peace that passes all understanding,

and i want some.

~~~

i'm tired

i'm worn

my heart is heavy

from the work it takes

to keep on breathing

i've made mistakes

i've let my hope fail

my soul feels crushed

by the weight of this world

and i know that you can give me rest

so i cry out with all that i have left

let me see redemption win

let me know the struggle ends

that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

i wanna know a song can rise

from the ashes of a broken life

and all that's dead inside

can be reborn

because i'm worn

--tenth avenue north

full of blessings

So an update.

In February I applied for a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) job at an assisted living. In order to keep my certification I had to work eight paid hours. I had zero and my deadline was a month away. Procrastination. I. Am. The. Worst.
Talk about a huge blessing when I got offered a job. Originally I was just thinking temporary. I had a job that I loved at the public library. But, after much thought and prayer, I took a big leap of faith and quit my job…before my first day at the new job. For a day or so I had a few, "Oh my gosh, what did I do!" moments. Haha!
But I love my new job. I'm helping people. Everyday. I'm doing what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. And, icing on the cake, I am able to get more hours and I get paid more for what I do.

In March I turned nineteen. I can't believe that in less than a year I will no longer be a teenager.
For my birthday I did something I've thought about doing for, gosh, probably about a year. I cut all of my hair off. Well, I say all…most of my hair.

It was a huge change. But I love it. It is so easy. So so easy. And it's me.

In May I went to see The Lion King Musical. Oh. My. Goodness. No words. It completely exceeded my expectations. I would put it up on my "top ten best experiences of my life" list.

In May I was accepted into my college's nursing program. Part of me was so excited. I was finally getting a real, tangible start on my career. Then, part of me was freaking out about starting school in August. Don't get me wrong, I really want to be a nurse. It has become my passion. But nursing school is tough! And as much as I desire my degree, it was still way out of my comfort zone. Could I really do this nursing thing?

I am half way through my first semester of nursing school. Yes, it is tough. But I'm doing it. And I'm loving it.

Twenty-thirteen is nearly over. We're already half way through October. So much has changed. I've learned so much.
Life can be hard.
Unemployment.
Divorce.
Tension.
Finances.
Death.
Losing friends.
Tears.

Sure. Life is hard.
But life is also so full of blessings. You just have to stop and look.
Hugs.
Family.
My sweet, sweet residents at work.
Encouraging words.
A beautiful sunset.
Friends at school.
The Word. (Have you ever read the book of Amos? New favorite.)
Answers to prayer.
Understanding.

~~~

Tell me. What's been up with you?