i will rise, because the weak are made strong.

There's so much I need to say. So many people I need to thank. ...

This week was finals week for me. It was laid out kinda like this... Wednesday: Medical Surgical, Thursday: Behavioral Health, Friday: Pharmacology. I'm surprised I didn't just go insane. Seriously...the stress! But, as completely terrified as I was, I jumped in and prepared to conquer and kept my nose in a nursing book for a week straight.

But let me take a step back...

This semester. Gosh. It's been the hardest semester of my college career. By far. There were many tears shed. Many desperate prayers made. Many times I really didn't think I was going to make it through with passing grades. It was really rough.

Some of the roughness, I will admit, was my own fault. I didn't put in enough effort in the beginning of the semester and kind of dug myself into a hole. Some of the roughness came from my teachers. Some of the roughness came from life in general...sickness, family situations, etc. 

But MY GOD! My God is pretty amazing.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

My hardest class this semester was Med Surg. I am not proud to admit, but I failed many a test in that class. I was back and forth from failing to passing to failing again. Honestly, mostly failing. (By the way, in nursing school you have to make a 78% to pass. Anything below is failing. A 77.9999 is failing.) I went into my 75 point final with a 78%. No wiggle room there. And I was so so nervous. Like, I think I might have to puke kind of nervous.

I passed that test with an 86%.

I came out of the testing room and was just so happy! I hugged the first person I saw. (Thank you Tamara for that hug.) And I raced across the parking lot so I could call my mom and dad (my biggest cheerleaders). I passed!

Thursday I had Behavioral Health and then Friday (today) Pharmacology. I passed them both. And I am a free lady! And in the fall I will be a third semester nursing student! Who knew!

I'll tell ya who... God knew. He knew all along.

He knew that this semester I needed to learn a few lessons...possibly the hard way. He knew that I was where I was supposed to be, even if I didn't know it. He knew that I could do it, even if I didn't think I could.

I came home from my last final today and ate lunch with my mom and just started crying. I remembered where I came from months ago with my grades to where I ended up and it's just overwhelming and it blows me away.

So...thank you's. I've got quite a few. You know, you really cannot do nursing school alone. You can't. It's impossible. These amazing people have surrounded me and supported me and I love them.

Thank you to my parents first of all. They have hugged me when I cried. They've lectured me when I needed it. They've prayed for me constantly. Loved me unconditionally. Thank you.

To my sister and best friend, Annie. I love that beautiful girl! She gave me pep talks. She quizzed me numerous nights, even though she was so tired and ready to go to bed. She bought me flowers on a rough day.

To my best friends, Bethany and Emily. Thank you for all the encouraging texts. Thank you for the prayers. Thank you for the hugs (even the ones given from miles away). I love you both dearly.

To my coworkers who cheered me on, Cyndi, Kayla, and Irina. My weekend buddies.

To my amazing, hardworking, smart, and funny classmates. Cordie, Robin, Haley, and so many many more. You all are going to make awesome nurses.

To my YouTube tutor, Michael Linares. You don't even know me, but your videos helped me incredibly! (If you are a nursing student you must look this guy up! So helpful!)

To Kathy, who took over my responsibilities at church with our small group for several weeks so I could stay home and study.

To my freshman girls who I have in small group. Thank you for praying for me and hugging me. You all are amazing girls and I love you.

To Tim and Miranda, my boss and supervisor at work. Thank you for giving me a month's leave of absence so I could focus completely on school.

Before and after all three of my finals I played Hillsong in my car. And I just worshipped. Because no matter what happened, God is good.

No power can stand against You. No curse assault Your throne. No one can steal Your glory. For it is Yours alone. I stand to sing Your praises. I stand to testify. For I was dead in my sin. But now I rise. I will rise, as Christ was raised to life. Now in Him, now in Him, I live.

-I Will Rise

Christ alone, Cornerstone. Weak made strong, in the Savior's love. Through the storm, He is Lord. Lord of all.

-Cornerstone

So...one year of nursing school down, one to go! I'm ready.

ecstatic jabbering and random thoughts

so, hello guys.
warning...i have been awake since 4am (early clinicals) and i have just downed a grande cinnamon dolce latte from starbucks. so...kinda sleep deprived and kinda hyper! yay! ;)

i have come to a new mindset today. that is what this semester of school has been...new mindsets. like everyday. haha!
but anyway, new mindset. i was talking with a classmate and my clinical instructor today about the anxieties and stresses of school and how completely overwhelming it is just thinking about it. like, if i fail out this semester of nursing school or have to withdraw a few things would happen...
#1. if i fail it would lower my GPA quite a lot. to the point where if i wanted to reapply i possibly couldn't get back into the nursing program because i wouldn't have a high enough GPA.
#2. if i withdraw or fail it would affect my financial aid. i probably wouldn't be eligible for aid anymore.
#3. if i withdraw or fail i would need to reapply. and they only take so many people back per semester (like two or three-ish). no guarantee on getting back in.
#4. if i withdraw of fail i would graduate late.

and that is my list of woes.
so today my clinical instructor said that if you go into a test with all of that^ anxiety on your shoulders and that much stress to pass then you will mess up...it's kind of inevitable.
yay...
so my new perspective on nursing school:
if i fail/withdraw the world will still be turning. my life will not be over. i can always reapply to my school's program. but there are also many more schools out there who have great nursing programs. many many options.
so from now on i will be going into tests with this new mindset. no more freaking myself out and having test anxiety about passing. no more thinking about having to graduate late. it will happen and in God's timing. and it's okay to have a plan b.
(p.s. this is not why i'm ecstatic...though i'm pretty peaceful about this decision.)

and then today! today i was prepared for a super super long day. like i said, i've been up since 4 this morning for clinicals, which ended at 12:30ish. then i had tutoring for pharmacology (test tomorrow!) from 2-3:15. and then studying tonight. hence the coffee...must stay awake!
my pharm class has been online this semester. which, in so many words, has been kinda stinky. but today started a new tutoring session with our teacher and it went so awesome! like, i came out of there just so happy and hopeful that i could pass the test tomorrow.
(this is why i'm ecstatic, by the way)
granted, the hard parts of this semester are not over (finals week = 3 finals Wed. - Fri. ....dreading!) but i have a bit of hope now.
so. that is all of my jabbering gibberish.
thanks. :)

i'm ready to DO

{okay so third consecutive blog post in one day... actually gonna use today's date this time. haha!}

Nursing school is hard.
Really hard.
And I wasn't prepared maybe...
1st semester was great.
I kinda loved it, in fact.
2nd semester.
Well... It's hard.

So here are my thoughts on life after the difficulties of failing tests and scraping by with C's and still working part-time and trying to maintain some type of life...

4/3/14

Hello God,
  I feel like I've just awakened. Just now opened my eyes. Not my physical eyes; my soul eyes. And I'm ashamed it's taken me this long to really SEE. But it's time to move on from all things in the past. All bad habits and laziness and procrastination and selfishness. Because laziness is a sin! And if I don't DO something I am selfishly throwing away the best opportunity for success you've ever given me. I'm ready to DO. I'm ready to be a DOER! Help me when I fail though. Which is, unfortunately, often. Give me wisdom and strength. Help me stay awake when I need to pull an all-nighter to study, because I like sleep a little too much. Help me stay focused and undistracted, because I like books a little too much, and netflix is a pit of darkness that is hard to crawl out of.
  You know my weaknesses (all too well, I'm sure). And now I recognize them fully...or, rather, more than I did a few weeks ago. So I'm ready to take your all powerful, steady arm and move forward without looking back.
  Sure, I'll make mistakes again. Probably several before the day is over. But I am going to FIGHT. I'm going to fight the sin inside my flesh. Because things have to be different. Starting now.

Love you,
Katie

My beautiful friend, Bethany, sent me this devotion the same day I wrote that^ in my prayer journal.

"Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him." Luke 8:25, NIV
  Is there something you are facing - whether in your outer circumstances or in your inner character that seems impossible to command? Something that has baffled you and outwitted you a thousand times, and appears that it will win over you in the end?
  Don't despair. Don't shrug and give up.
  Our Lord - your Lord and mine - can command even the most difficult, unruly thing that seems as if it will never be commanded.
  Let His word "even" be comfort to you. He who commands even the winds and water (and they must obey Him) - He can say to that "even" of yours, "Peace, be still."
  And there will come for you "a great calm" (Mark 4:39).
  Remember that there is nothing you are asked to do in your own strength. Not the least thing, nor the greatest.
  Isn't that amazing?
  How utterly foolish it is to plead weakness when we - even you and I - may move into the stream of that power. If only we will.
--Even This... by Amy Carmichael

So, onward I go. Onward I fight. This hard thing called nursing school...I can do it, with God at my side!

random update with lots of not very good mobile photos.

{i love how you can get on blogger after not being on for months and months and set the date back to make it look like you've been posting more regularly than you actually have. yeah...that's what i'm doing. (the date is actually 4/7/14...and this is my second blog post today...haha!)}

is anyone else totally in love with this movie? don't be ashamed...i'm twenty years old and have watched it a million times and love it more every time. child at heart? i think so.

and nursing school continues on! this is me a few weeks ago practicing my IV tubing while everyone else watched the super bowl. way more exciting than football, let me tell you. now we are on to NG tubes. oooo fun!

taking selfies in the mall...'cause we're cool like that.

my sister is the best. love love love her.

current playlist includes:
-high hopes by kodaline
-100 years by five for fighting
-let her go by passenger
-landslide by fleetwood mac
-more time by needtobreathe (and basically the entire "the heat" album)
-called me higher by all sons and daughters

current reading list includes:
-passion by louie giglio
-the fault in our stars by john green (oh my goodness. no words. can't wait until the movie releases!)
-this star won't go out by esther earl
-and of course books like medical surgical nursing vol. 1, mental health nursing, and pharmacology.

current movie/tv show list includes:
-thor: the dark world (i found it greatly improved from #1...really loved it.)
-frozen (as mentioned above, may be a little obsessed. i have every song memorized.)
-castle
-once upon a time (little bit embarrassed about this one...no judging, haha!)
-grey's anatomy, friends, and the ellen show reruns
-youtube videos on easy ways to understand ABGs and acid base (nerd?)

so today...

[or rather three days ago...]

so today i start this new thing called
"not being a teenager anymore."
sure is a strange feeling.
does this mean i need to start acting like an adult?

i heard this song sunday morning
and i really want it to be my anthem
in this new year - and throughout my twenties.
(agh! not used to saying that!)

"i could hold on, i could hold on to who i am
and never let you change me from the inside.
and i could be safe, i could be safe
here in your arms and never leave home,
never let these walls down.
but you have called me higher,
you have called me deeper,
and i'll go where you will lead me, LORD.
where you lead me."
--all sons and daughters

so hello twenties.
i welcome you.

worn

hello God,

stress.

help me conquer it.

because i feel like it's in every part of my life right now.

every time i turn around.

help me trust in my amazing, awesome, more than capable God 

instead of letting stress overwhelm me.

you give peace that passes all understanding,

and i want some.

~~~

i'm tired

i'm worn

my heart is heavy

from the work it takes

to keep on breathing

i've made mistakes

i've let my hope fail

my soul feels crushed

by the weight of this world

and i know that you can give me rest

so i cry out with all that i have left

let me see redemption win

let me know the struggle ends

that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

i wanna know a song can rise

from the ashes of a broken life

and all that's dead inside

can be reborn

because i'm worn

--tenth avenue north

I found this article floating around facebook a few days ago. It's really, really fantastic. I'm tempted to print it and frame it and hang it in my room. I feel like this woman can relate to so so many Christian girls and guys out there, single or not. So I encourage you to read it...it's posted below.

SINGLE AND NOT WAITING

Posted by Rachel Selinger on Thursday, October 24, 2013 

Flickr photo by Acy Varlan

I’m 23, I just graduated from university, and I’m single.

Many of my friends are married, and a few are starting to have children. And I feel as if I just graduated from high school again. You could say my life is in transition. And it’s true; I am in the middle of shifting myself from university to the career world. But I’ve started to wonder about whether it’s right to refer to my singleness as an in-between stage.

What exactly am I in-between again?

“It’s the first day of the rest of my life.” I recently I heard someone on TV say this about her wedding day, and it really bothered me. While I don’t want to discount the gift of marriage, I must say I’m a bit confused and frustrated with this sentiment. I’ve heard the cliché before, but I suddenly felt the weight of it. As if it equates marriage as the start of life, or at least the good part.

Don’t misunderstand my frustration; I think there is a beautiful element of starting a new family with your spouse. I’m all for godly marriage. But what I’m afraid of is viewing life through the lens of marriage as the goal. For waiting to get married before life starts.

I’m afraid, because I’m afraid it has happened to me. I’ve been living like I’m waiting for someone to get here. And it isn’t Jesus.

I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 23 years ago when my mom gave birth. And this mentality has robbed my joy.

As much as I’d like to place all the blame on Christian culture, the perpetual “Have you met anyone yet?” question the world asks me, and the reality that my Facebook feed looks more like a Pinterest wedding board these days, I am convicted of my own failures.

I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn’t held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn’t followed through.

I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.

I’d be lying if I said Christian culture does much to inhibit this mentality. There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I’ve got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

There are at least a handful of us standing around, wondering what happened. (After all, I have been pretty nice this year.)

But it’s never been about being entitled, or even about being nice. I have to stop thinking that I’m doing something wrong here.

Well actually I am, but it isn’t about fixing something that will magically make a boyfriend appear. It is about changing the direction of my heart.

 “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.” –- Christen Rapske

People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like he’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of him has really been a pursuit of someone else.

When did Christ cease to be enough?

And when did I stop finding my identity, self-worth, and fulfillment in Him, only to place my life on hold for someone I’ve never even met?

Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily.  Man-less or not, I want to wake up every morning and be excited because I get to spend my day with the God who created the universe.

And I want to do that for the rest of my life.